ANIMAL CRACKERS. My bones tell me it’s still winter and there’s some cold still ahead for us, but on the last several nights I’ve heard bullfrogs croaking. And on my Tuesday night drive to-and-from Newhope last week, I saw no fewer than six plump raccoons run across the road in my headlight beams.
There were already a bunch of dead skunks on the hardsurface.
Animals are on the move in celebration of the promise of spring.
NO J-TURNS. Fined a total of $145 last week in District Court last week was a guy who couldn’t resist turning across traffic to grab a Main Street parking spot.
Somehow people are slow to learn that J-Turns are illegal in downtown Nashville. If you are spotted by a bonafide Nashville policeman while making a J-Turn you will most likely get a ticket and a date in District Court.
No so fast! Right outside our window, Friday, folks in our office saw a white Chevy Traverse back out of a parking space on the east side of the street, then make a J-Turn into a spot on the west side practically in front of “The Leader” office. This was technically a capital and cursive J-Turn, but I’ll bet that it is just as illegal as the lower case printed one.
The driver was a Murfreesboro lady, I’m told.
In the future I’m going to give license numbers.
Just wait ‘til the the mayor grants my formal request to be a deputy city policeman, thereby authorizing me to take charge of Main Street traffic and parking.
I’ll be fair but firm in handing out tickets for J-Turns. Sorry, only my closest friends and the sauciest women will get warning tickets.
And sagging. Congrats to the Mineral Springs City Council for passing a ‘sagging’ ordinance.
It’s disgusting, anti-social behavior.
LEFTOVERS. Forgot to tell you in last week’s column that because I stopped my pickup truck and turned its nose to the east so that Arabic Loretta Garmin could do her Muslim prayers, my GMC pickup is now listed as a convert to Islam in the US Census.
What I’m really worried about is whether or not Arabic Loretta will become a suicide bomber determined to take down some vital American institution.
Like the Peanut M&M factory. Oh boy, wouldn’t that be terrible!
I HAD INTENDED to give up sweets for Lent. That lasted until early Wednesday afternoon on the first day of Lent. I had stayed with my Lenten denial for a solid three hours which more or less reveals my total lack of self-control.
So, I had to fall back on ‘Old Reliable’ for Lenten self-denial. I’m giving up insects as food.
You think I’m kidding?
According to an outfit called LiveScience, some ‘experts’ are looking into how we’re going to feed the world’s population of 8 billion-plus, and they’ve decided that we need to start eating insects.
Some students at a university in Montreal, Canada, even won a cash prize for inventing a way to make nutritious flour from insects.
And a UN agri committee is seriously looking into ways to get the world’s population to eat insects.
Well, for one thing, they say that caterpillars can be boiled in salty water like crawdads, then sun-dried. Mmmmm!
And, if our local exterminators will just leave us a few of them, termites can be steamed in banananana leaves.
And grubs. We’re not talking about my dirty clothes, we’re talking about that underground white thingy that is so delicious when crisped over glowing charcoal.
And grasshoppers — roasted with garlic and squirted with tart juice from a lime.
And the African palm weevil is big enough to be panfried. Mmmm. Pass the hushpuppies, please. Who said there was a food shortage in Africa?
And stinkbugs. You thought they had only one use? Wrong. You remove the head which is the source of the stink, then you can cook them or eat them raw, like oysters. Next thing you know there will be ‘stinkbug bars’ in New Orleans.
And, the article closes, “mealworms are hard to beat.”
Yes, they certainly are.
I can see only one remaining question: Would a properly cultured gentleman prefer red or white wine to go with his sun-dried mealworms?
CANCER GAS CARD update. We’re about to surpass the $31,000 mark in gasoline vouchers handed out for cancer patient travel expenses since late 2007.
We had some good news and some sad news this week. First the good news : One of ‘our’ gas voucher-users got a clean bill of health from her doctor. Hooray!
But our friend Sherlene Sands finally lost her battle. What a fine lady; always cheerful! Peace to her family, and thanks to the Almighty for putting such wonderful people among us.
THINGS I LEARNED from reading stuff on the Internet: To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
HE SAID: “Happiness consists in activity. It is a running stream, not a stagnant pool.” John Mason Good, scientist
SHE SAID: “A great wind is blowing, and that gives you either imagination or a headache.” Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia
SWEET DREAMS, Baby