I’M STILL WAITING on formal notification from the mayor on my request to be deputized as a fully-recognized member of the Traffic, Parking & Fashion Police Association (TPFPA) for our town’s Central Business District
My purpose is to help rid our town of ‘J Turns’ on Main Street.
Last week in Howard County District Court, a Nashville woman was fined $145 for making a J Turn. If you don’t believe me, look at the District Court article in this week’s paper.
There’s an average of almost one case each week in the court docket, therefore — assuming the ticketed driver doesn’t repeat his or her traffic crime — we’re cutting down on the number of J Turns in a slow but steady manner. I am sorry that we don’t have graduated sizes of fines for second and third offenses. First fine: $145. Second: $285. Third: $1,000. Hit ‘em hard and you don’t have to hit ‘em often, is what I say.
The whole purpose of increasing amounts of the penalties is to prevent repeat offenders. There may be some serial J Turners out there and we all have an obligation to stomp them out. Mercifully, of course.
Warning: ‘We’ (and by ‘we’ I mean me and my fellow deputies with the TPFPA) are going to get you if you make a J Turn.
As soon as I get my concealed weapon permit renewed, I’m going to begin the printing vehicle descriptions and license plate numbers I have helpfully written down every time I’ve seen yet another traffic criminal make a J Turn. Both of you can check this column weekly to see the list when I begin publishing those numbers and names.
I know you’ll think I’m getting fixated on this, but twice-a-day I now walk both sides of Main Street between the railroad tracks and the Post Office looking for vehicles whose front tire angles indicate the driver made a J Turn into the parking spot. I’ll make a mental note and be on the lookout for those vehicles in the future.
When I get deputized I’ll probably also have to get a swell uniform so everything will look real official. If I give you a ticket, just suck it up and pay for your crime. Also, does anyone know where I can get a swell 2XL uniform? Preferably pants with an expandable waist.
As I mentioned before, I’ll be fair but firm in giving tickets for J Turns. As usual, only a very few warning tickets will be given — they are reserved only for the sauciest women and to people who are generous donors to my Peanut M&Ms Crusade.
Let me assure you that these fine people have learned their lesson and will never J Turn again.
We have an obligation
The TPFPA is also on constant alert to catch someone ‘sagging,’ otherwise why would ‘Fashion’ be a part of our official name?
There are absolutely no warning tickets given for sagging. That’s because we have no mercy for male saggers,and because saucy women just don’t go in for wearing their pants way down below the tops of their undies.
Given the popularity of thong underwear among today’s saucy women, if they got into sagging we would then encounter major distraction problems for downtown motorists.
Let me put it this way. A saucy woman wearing thong underwear and ‘sagging,’ might cause an otherwise law-abiding motorist to make a J Turn so as to get a better look. This motorist would then surely call a Traffic, Parking and Fashion Police Associate to report the infraction and thus insure public safety and tranquility.
Afterward, this motorist would probably turn himself/herself in to the TPFPA because making a J Turn under any condition — even in pursuit of a saucy female sagger — is still a no-no.
If I witnessed such an occurrence, whom would I ‘ticket’ first? The J Turner or the Saggerette?
Don’t test me, is what I say.
A lot of people don’t know this: the U.S. launched a secret spy satellite, Tuesday. The device will focus on downtown Nashville and provide assistance in our efforts against J Turns and Sagging. My personal thanks to President Obama for his support.
COULD’T HELP but notice that Hempstead County officials aren’t near as good as Howard County officials at keeping roadsides free from litter. Once I solve the problem of J Turns and sagging, I might just turn my attention to litterererers.
CATFISH REUNION. About two dozen guys from five consecutive classes at NHS during late 50s and early 60s got together at Camp Albert Pike last weekend for a catfish fry and lying contest. Isn’t it amazing, one guy asked, that after this much time so many would gather like this? The group included one guy who had come from Houston, another from north of Dallas. Others traveled respectable distances, too. The host, a member of the NHS class of ’60, has these shindigs twice a year. Almost every time we’ve lost a friend since the last time we met.
THINGS I LEARNED from reading email: If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
HE SAID: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” George Carlin, comic
SHE SAID: “Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.” Lily Tomlin, actress and comic
SWEET DREAMS, Baby